A Compass To Lead

I’ve been neglecting my blog and all the topics I want to rant about in favor of trying to make a bunch of cards and things for my www.etsy.com website. Is this the better choice for me? Spending time making cards that have a minimal profit margin? *shrugs* not really sure. But the process makes me feel slightly useful, lets me know I’m making some money while not having a job. Even if it only buys us a meal or two for the week. The hope is a larger inventory on the stores site will bring in more sales. Let’s hope diversity in product makes a difference.

But even while I sit around making things with paper and glue, feeling like I should be back in elementary school, I cant stop thinking about the million other things I should be doing or researching or studying. That butterfly on crack comment I continually make about myself still holds true. I run around the house one minute being the diligent house wife while changing the laundry, the next minute saying screw this I need to make money and work on some paper cutting. Then head to my computer to look for jobs because really paper cutting is making next to nothing. Then I get depressed because there is nothing online I want to apply for. I do it because I know I should, I just don’t want to. So I berate myself for the resentment I feel towards myself for that statement. Then I go back to doing house wife chores like prepping for dinner so I feel useful before the husband gets home.

It’s a never ending cycle. I have a hundred paths to take and none seem like the right one. Well, I amend that. A few feel like they should be the right one but will take time and money we dont have to pursue. Does that make it the right choice then? Some say that if it made me happy then of course it is. But if i can’t help support my family but it makes me happy is it the right road to take? A part of me rebels at that kind of choice. I haven’t depended on anyone to take care of me since i was 16. The feeling of letting someone, even my husband, take care of me while I go off an ‘explore myself’ or ‘find myself’ or whateva is extremely difficult. Too many paths are staring me in the face, making me feel like i have some extreme form of ADD because I cant seem to focus on anything for any length of time. At least I can blame part of that on having lupus and fibro…brain fog and all that. However its not enough of an excuse to make all my indecision’s okay.

So where does my brain take me when I think of career paths?

1. start a business. what kind? wont go there, it would be a huge list of possibilities. most of which I couldn’t be able to realistically peruse. ok here’s a few: bookstore, cafe, manage dad’s company…..

2. photographer. not wedding nor portraits. why? dunno, just not my thing.

3. graphic designer

4. some type of art critic, analyst, choreographer, designer, editor…. I have no idea what kind of job would let me do this stuff but I’m guessing I’d have to have a hellva resume to get it. Maybe working for a magazine or marketing company, or something like etsy.com. Realistically I see myself managing art in some way rather than being the artist…..so where does that take me?

5. fiction writer. Yes i know how flippn difficult it is to get published. No i havent tried, I’ve just read enough to know it is. I think this will always be a side project I dream about. If one day i do get something, anything published, I’d be ecstatic. Until then it’s a pipe dream. Did I mention I have the worst editing skills possible?

If I could do any of these things without consequence what would it be? Study photography. Going to Brooks was a dream I’ve had since high school. Second would have to be writing but i’d need a wish from the genie bottle to make myself more competent in the field. Third would be to work with my Dad and create and market products around his artwork. The most realistic would be studying graphic design and see where that takes me. Hell right now I would settle for a boring accounting job with a really fun, creative company. Just working in the environment would go along way in making me enjoy my job, even if it wasn’t me doing all the creating.

So where do I go from here?

I dont have the training or education for any of these things. I’ve circled once again. And this is only the icing on the cake, the things I think more about than others. I need mentors, contacts, ideas, friends….*sigh* I need direction, a path, a compass to lead me. I’ve already been a housewife, a landlord, a photographer, a crafter and a writer today. It’s only 11:30. I’m tired of flitting around looking for a path and being afraid of where it will lead me or what it will take to get there.


3 thoughts on “A Compass To Lead

  1. I can totally relate to how you feel. I seem to be forever “circling” too. I don’t know what I really would be most happy doing so I just decided one day to do something. I figured at least if I got on a path it would lead me somewhere. Try something, anything. Volunteer, offer yourself for work experience or take a class. You just never know where that could lead you. Good luck! The whole world is out there, you just have to find somewhere to fit in and that fits you.

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