I’m in a funk today. Feeling extremely agitated and I cant place the reason why. It could be that funk artists of any kind find themselves in. They think the world hates them and their muse is horrible, they’ll never make it in their field and their work is junk. The universe will swallow them hole just to rid the earth of their ineptitude and they will spend the rest of their existence as a minion of hell as punishment of their inconvenience to man. hmmm… yup that about sums up my mood today. Heart warming isn’t it?
Questions swirl maddening around the room, taunting me with there insistence regarding my future. What will you do? Where will you go? Are you good enough? You sure? You really think you can make money doing that? You know your not good enough right? Dont you realize your just a tad pole in an ocean full of sharks? Your an amateur at best, how do you think your gonna break into the industry? Your skills are minimal, how are you going to better them? Take classes? Where? What kind? Are you even motivated enough to make the extreme effort needed to create all the things you imagine?
I bang my head against the wall hoping to stop the butterfly on crack sensation. It doesn’t seem to work. Doubt assails me from all angles. Focusing on one thing, hell even one path, seems to be beyond me at the moment and it’s driving me mad. I know I’m just whining but I can’t help the melancholy feeling of failure. At 28 years old, I can’t get a handle on what road I want to take in my life right now.
Artist or analyst? Analyst is easy, that’s where my experience lies yet I’d rather be swallowed by the ground then dress in power suits and spout cost reports. I wont lie, the idea of a good position in the financial industry used to hold great appeal. When it left me or lost its appeal is anyone’s guess. I know I learned the in’s and out’s of business so that one day I would apply it to my own but i guess i failed to plan that far ahead. Now I have been flung down smack dab on that path and I still haven’t recovered from the whiplash.
The idea of having to go back to school for art, photography and writing just feels….surreal. There are still yards to go before acceptance. I chose the business path over art school 10 years ago and now here I am wanting to go back and try again. Left brain or right brain? Is there a way to mingle the two into a cohesive mix? *sigh* Years ago I thought I would have accomplished something significant in my career by now, no such luck.
So instead I try to focus on the positives which as you can tell I’ve lost sight of today. Its a sorry sight of my state that even the smallest of compliments have me preening under professional praise.
I preen uncontrollably when given a compliment towards either my photography or writing developments by teachers I’ve worked with these last couple of months. I seriously act like a little school girl, beaming after being praised in front of the whole class. Yeah, I was one of those, who very much liked being teacher’s pet regardless of being made fun of. My parents abused me with disgusting fish sticks and being forced to play outdoors during the Arizona summers, causing a chemical reaction in my brain causing me to be the nerd people made fun of but secretly wanted to be because of their ostentatious smarts. So sue me. I’m an introvert who had little interest in playing and a lot in books. I lived in a impoverished town, it wasn’t difficult to be one of the smart ones. Is it any wonder I preened under a teachers praises of my work when it was noticed? But I’m guessing it’s totally coo-coo of me to do it as a grown up! How low my self esteem must have fallen.
I know my work is low on the totem pole when it comes to photography and writing, especially writing. I lack any editorial or spelling skills. But when i get praise from an instructor i want to gloat and say “see! i’m good at this!” it gets my hopes up then i settle back into reality and remember that i’m a very small tadpole in this damn big giant sea of professionals. yipeee.
I guess i’ve never been one to lack for courage, just direction and motivation. As i often describe myself, a hummingbird on crack, its a good thing I have diseases with side effects of massive fatigue otherwise I would never stop running around doing this, then doing that, then fixing a piece of this, spending money on that etc etc etc. New business ideas constantly pop out of my head, i have to stop and write it down otherwise I’d end up in the looney bin. I’ve been that way since i was a kid. I always bugged my dad about why he didn’t do one thing with his work while he was doing another. i think i drove him crazy because he often liked my ideas but had already started his artwork or didn’t have the time or inclination to take it farther for the customer.
So like all good students, I put all my ideas and creativity away in a box, locked tight and threw away the key. Then studied and memorized my ass off, learning all the things my professors thought I should know and got my degree. Which of course helped about nil in my career thus far. Okay, it helped some but made no difference in my current job. I think it will help more if I pursue some type of artistic career on my own. I just have to sit down and decide what paths are worth throwing myself down on. To reveal a secret, I’m scared. Do i have the energy and spunk to go it on my own and do some of this craziness I dream of?
Do i stick to being the calm reflective creature that I am today
or do I start training to be the battle warrior I wish I was?